Heathrow coach

Passenger: "Do you do student rates?"
Driver (excitedly): "Yes!"
Passenger: "Really? How much?"
Driver: "We charge triple!"
Passenger (polite laugh): "Hehe. Do you do student rates?"
Driver: "No."

Temple Cowley shopping centre

Sign on shop: "Back in 30 minutes. Sorry for any inconvenience - we assure you of our best intentions at all times."

Blackbird Leys bus

Passenger: "Yeah I went to see this film with Brad Pitt and Piers Morgan ..."

Littlemore RBL

Random man: "Do you know who started all that stupid flowers-on-the-roadside for dead people? Dutch people in Holland."

Waterstone's

Customer: "Just these two books."
Shop Assistant: "Sir, these are in 3 for 2 - would you like to choose another title?"
Customer: "No, just these two."
Shop Assistant: "But sir, you can get any other book with this sticker for free."
Customer: "NO. I ONLY WANT THESE TWO BOOKS."

Blackbird Leys bus

Passenger: "Single to Magdalen [Mag-da-len] Road, please."
Driver: "You mean Maud-lin Road?"
Passenger: (haughtily) "No, no, I think you'll find it's pronounced Mag-da-len. Just because the college is pronounced Maud-lin doesn't mean the road is."